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10th April 2017

A Monday Morning Boing by Jeffrey P Frye

So there's this dude here from New York City (Rego Park, Queens) named Eddie that has a lot of similarities to me. He's a bank robber (like me), who was in the Navy (like me), stationed aboard a Destroyer in Charleston, SC (like me), back in the eighties (also like me). And, not surprisingly, he got transferred here to Leavenworth on a Life Connections transfer...like me. Yet every time that I see this guy now, I think to myself, "Why don't you stop following me around and get your own life?"

Eddie's okay, I guess, but he's a bit of a bug. He asked me to meet him up in the library after lunch on the 12:30 move the other day, because he said he had something that he wanted to talk to me about.

I hate when people do shit like that, so I said, "What is it that you wanna talk about?"

He got all Secret Squirrel on me and told me, "I'll tell you when we get up there." Whatever... It pissed me off, but I went. Just like he knew I would.

I do like Eddie, okay, but he's always trying to be more Catholic than me. I told him that I have a plastic Rosary that's been blessed and that I carry around in my right front pocket, and he pulled out this ornate-looking wooden Rosary and told me something like, "This is the one I carry. It was hard-carved by the Pope." I just shook my head, and thought, "You win."

When I get up to the library I find out that Eddie has somehow successfully managed to whine his way down to C Block into the Life Connections program, but that he doesn't like his present cell mate. He's decided that he might want ME for a cell mate, so he starts asking me a series of questions about my personal habits to determine if I'm "That Guy." I felt like I was at a job interview. He asked, "Do you snore?" then he asked, "Do you smoke weed or K2?" I was waiting for him to ask for a friggin' hair follicle.

Well, I'd already decided that there was no way in hell that I was gonna be That Guy, so I intentionally failed his test so that he'd take me off his list of potentials. I told him, "I have this flatulence condition that causes me to fart all the time. It's not really gas though, it's just wind. It doesn't stink. You'll get used to it."

Eddie got that far-away look when I spun that lie and he looked like he was teetering on the edge, so I decided to give him a shove. I lowered my voice and looked around, before leaning into him and saying, "And I have this condition called SED." He got a scary look and said, "What's that?" I replied, "It's an acronym for Spontaneous Erection Disorder. It's a muscular condition to where I can spring a boner at any given moment, without even meaning to." As he just stared at me, I went, "Boing!!! It can happen; just... like... that." Then I added, like the farts, you'll get used to it. He wasn't really listening to me anymore though because he was too busy gathering up his stuff to leave.

Good old Eddie. I'm sure he'll find somebody suitable to be a victim of his OCD ways. But it won't be me. And I'm sure that I'll see him again soon being that it appears that he's following me around life.

Jeffrey P. Frye
Bank Robber's Blog